Oh happy day!

Started the day with good news, the week's been pretty ok, things might start looking up?

I don't know

Got quite the scare today. The only reason I'm posting anything is cause I hadn't posted last month.

C'est Si Bon

That's french for, it's good. I've been listening to that song, reminds me of simpler times when I was a lot more motivated to do work. I've realised though that my motivation has waned since May-June, this can't continue, I've resolved to work at it the way I used to work when I was a young'un. This is to document said resolution. Let's hope I work hard, and do well!

We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven

I think I've mentioned this poem before, It's Ulysses by Tennyson. I'm not as able to study nowadays as I used to be able to. I still have good news though. Obviously this was the news I'd mentioned earlier on, the news I'd hoped to be able to give. This was mostly just me saying that I wanted to let people know about this earlier on. Those of you who know me personally, ought to already know what I'm talking about. Those that don't, well you can just ask?

You are not so smart

I feel like I must be repeating that line to myself every day, it's not surprising, I'm surrounded by people who are, it's humbling. It's rare for something to get me to remember the variant, I'm not too dumb either. A friend, who by all accounts is brilliant at math was trying to do a proof, I was slacking off in his office, not working. We sat trying to see how we could prove it. I managed the proof. It was deceptively simple, obviously I wouldn't have even gotten the idea without his help. Just knowing that I could prove it was a good feeling though. It's been a while since I've felt good like this. That was mostly it. For anyone who is interested You are not so smart, is also a website http://youarenotsosmart.com/ the main aim of which is to make people aware of misconceptions and fallacies. It's a good way to procrastinate.

redux and its various synonyms

As always, the title's unrelated to the content. After having given up on reading his work a couple of years ago after stopping Infinite Jest less than a tenth of the way through, I've been listening to quite a few of David Foster Wallace's interviews and readings and I find myself agreeing with more and more of his views on various topics. His short stories and descriptions of the absurdities seen in everyday situations are brilliant to say the least.

I don't really have much to say, I just thought I'd write something, try and be more regular than I have been so far.

I was hoping to be able to make a different update here, but that's not happening. I feel like I get a continuous education on how dumb I really am.

Back to life eh?

Suspended in the aspic of the world

I've begun realising how self centered I am. when I first see something, I see it from my perspective only. I can understand why others behave the way they do, but I don't give much weightage to it, if it's just different, and not "better". Let's see how best to explain this. In a conversation today where I heard the other side of the story, I was pretty dismissive of those opinions. Turns out, what I consider to be a constricting, ever reducing social circle, others don't. I presented the situation coloured by my own bias, painting a picture far darker and gloomier than reality, for of course, people actively look forward to being in that situation. People want to be a part of such a clique. My assumption that a small set of people never changing, always stagnant, would be claustrophobic, betrayed my own biases.

People value different things differently, in making a decision various aspects of the same thing are afforded completely different weights by different people. Some people will weigh one aspect of the problem so heavily they refuse to see that more than one variable even exists. These are all pretty smart people, I'm sure I've made the same mistake in many situations.

Of course, now that I think about it, all I've said is, that I think about any problem from my own perspective, and I present them on this blog along with my own bias. Geez, that's insightful. My tone's pretty different form yesterday, mostly because the aim of this post was different, more introspective, less - whatever the tone I previous used was.

Ahh well. I'll break pattern, I'll not present lyrics from a song, or any snippet of a text.

The ebb and flow of tidal fortune

The last academic sessions have sucked to a reasonably large extent. Here's to hoping this one goes off better. Given my recent performance though, I don't know.

I've been beginning to feel lonely at gatherings, it's been happening for a while. People just get very, I have no words to describe it. They gather around clutching, grasping at straws that remind them of what their life used to be like. They gather in smaller and smaller groups of greater and greater specificity. They restrict themselves to familiarity, they remain within their constrictive, ever decreasing social circles. It's surprising though, the ones who used to be outcastes earlier on, fit in much more easily now, they didn't go ahead and cling to the first vestiges of their "previous" life they find. They seek no solace in the familiar, and thus have a greater variety of people within their "social circle"

I'm not sure where I stand on this, I'd like to be within the comfort of what's known, but I'd also rather not fall into that trap. I can in retrospect see what mistakes I've made. But I'm fine with it. Life after all is about, living with making suboptimal decisions at each point. I'll be breaking out of this pattern, this vortex soon though. Let's see. Circumstances out of my control prevent me from making a clean break. That's ok, I still long for the comfort of the familiar, every once in a while though, when I'm in the aforementioned familiar company, I feel the urge to leave them, I feel more alone with them than I do when alone. That's sad.

In other news everything I do is derivative, I was reading a book, and they had some point in there about only humans having the capability to create something new, to truly create. I've never done that, everything I've done has been derivative. Where does my own contribution come into this, something that's mine from start to end. People will argue that in most situations anything worth doing is complex enough to prevent it from being done/created by an individual. The times for the lone genius with that one eureka moment are long past and in all probability never were. Sadly I'm a romantic and craving for the impossible seems to be what I'm inclined to do, not out of choice or any masochistic streak mind you. If I believed in destiny I'd say I'm destined to think like this, I don't, I'll still say it though.

I was about to sign this off with my name. Haah. You almost had me there.

The Ballad of Barry Allen

I've got time to think of the beauty of a thousand variations
Of the beating of a wing
Of a hummingbird suspended in the aspic of the world
Moving slower than molasses
As i'm off to catch the girl
Who is falling off the bridge

And I'm there before she knows it
I'll be gone before she sees me
Got my hand around her waste
I pull her back to safety
By the time she knows what happens
There will be someone else who needs me
Because time keeps dragging on

And on, And on
Time keeps dragging on

I've got time to think about my past as I dodge Between the bullets how my life was so exciting Before I got this way and how long ago it was Now I never can explain by the clock that's on the Tower or the one that's in my brain

And I'm there before you know it
I'll be gone before you see me
And I'd like to get to know you
But you're talking much too slowly
And I know you'd really like me
But I never stick around
Because time keeps dragging on
And on

And you say the world goes rushing by
But it seems so slow to me
And you see a blur around you fly
But it takes too long
It seems so slow to me

How I wish I'd never gone into my lab to
Experiment that night before lightning flashed Around me
And time changed speed
Now I have to try to be so patient and wait for Calamity to strike
Because when things change in an instant
It's almost fast enough for me

And I'll be there before you know it
I'll be gone before you see me
And do you think you can imagine
Anything so lonely
And I know you'd really like me
But I never stick around
Because time keeps dragging on
And on...

And you say the world goes rushing by
But it seems so slow to me
And you complain I'm gone before you blink your eye
But it takes too long
It seems so slow

And you say the world goes rushing by
But it seems so slow to me
And I want to be there when you laugh or cry
But it takes too long
It seems so slow to me

bludgeonings of chance

I've had so much to write about, but I've not written it down. I guess I've felt it'd take time away from work. Not true, there are loads of times I'm not working, and I'm sure I could take time away from doing other things and write instead. Hopefully I'll be more regular this time round.

I've been waiting for the correct time to resume this, and September is obviously the month I'd do it in. It doesn't matter if it's obvious to most or not.

It'll take me a while to get back into the groove of things, so far I seem to be doing badly on purpose, because there's no way a person could present something this badly unless they were doing it intentionally, for comedic purposes. That's not true however, this really is how incoherent I am right now, it's essentially a stream of consciousness being splattered onto this page. Splattered is probably not the word I should've used, but it conveys the image I'm trying to convey, so it stays.

I've attended two live concerts since the last post. As always, I'm posting the lyrics to one of the songs that I really liked below.

Rush "Far Cry"

Pariah dogs and wandering madmen

Barking at strangers and speaking in tongues

The ebb and flow of tidal fortune

Electrical changes are charging up the young

It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit

It's a far cry from the way we thought we'd share it

You can almost feel the current flowing

You can almost see the circuits blowing

One day I feel I'm on top of the world

And the next it's falling in on me

I can get back on

I can get back on

One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel,

And the next it's rolling over me

I can get back on

I can get back on

Whirlwind life of faith and betrayal

Rise in anger, fall back, and repeat

Slow degrees on the dark horizon

Full moon rising lays silver at your feet

It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit

It's a far cry from the way we thought we'd share it

You can almost feel the current flowing

You can almost see the circuits blowing

One day I feel I'm on top of the world

And the next it's falling in on me

I can get back on

I can get back on

One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel,

And the next it's rolling over me

I can get back on

I can get back on

It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit

You can almost see the circle growing

You can almost feel the planet glowing

One day I feel I'm on top of the world

And the next it's falling in on me

I can get back on

I can get back on

One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel,

And the next it's rolling over me

I can get back on

I can get back on

One day I fly through a crack in the sky

And the next it's falling in on me

I can get back on

I can get back on

that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven

Below is an extract from a speech called "The Man in the Arena" by Teddy Roosevelt at the Sorbonne in Paris, France on April 23, 1910. The title is an extract from the last few verses from Tennyson's poem, "Ulysses.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

I just saw Invictus the movie. I feel inspired.

The name of the Movie is based on the Poem by William Ernest Henley. The name Invictus was given by Arthur Quiller-Couch.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Our hearts were singing

A lot has happened, I'm reviewing two papers, I'm pretty excited about the work and about TED, where some one I was helping demoed.

- That's about all.

Imagine - A Perfect Circle (Original by John Lennon)

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Stretching on for miles

I have made a journey of a couple of 1000 Kms, and not much has changed. I guess I did have a lot to write about, but now the only thing that strikes me is how much time is wasted, and how much can be done in that time.

I've been putting in more effort now days than I have in a lot of days. I'm further from family and closer to a lot of friends, not a trade-off I'd like to make. Any one who knows me, knows exactly which option I'd choose, I'd make it without a thought.

I've gotten to work with some pretty impressive people, I've gotten to see people who I could not imagine doing what they are doing, I've seen people whom I wouldn't imagine doing any thing else. Effort is inevitable.

What can I say - it's been an experience. I've learn't that photography requires a steady hand, and especially so with cellphones.

"2000 Miles" by The Pretenders

Hes gone 2000 miles
Its very far
The snow is falling down
Gets colder day by day
I miss you

The children will sing
Hell be back at christmastime

In these frozen and silent nights
Sometimes in a dream you appear
Outside under the purple sky
Diamonds in the snow sparkle
Our hearts were singing
It felt like christmas time

2000 miles
Is very far through the snow
Ill think of you
Wherever you go

Hes gone 2000 miles
Its very far
The snow is falling down
Gets colder day by day
I miss you

I can hear people singing
It must be christmas time
I hear people singing
It must be christmas time

Fame And All Its Decadence

I was reading a blog of a person I know, I was disappointed. There wasn’t enough there, he had so much potential. I’m kind of sad. I guess that I should not expect much, I was not too close to him. We’d hung out, we’d gamed together, we’d spoken, suggested movies, suggested music. Not much else, ah – well live and learn eh ?

He’s doing well though – it’s not his life I’m talking about – with respect to potential of course, it’s his blog. Who’da thunk.

I remember I’d thought one day of writing a blog post titled “my disillusionment” it started as follows – “I wonder whether I was naïve, misinformed or just plain stupid to expect anything else”. I never finished it. Is there a reason to my not finishing it ? Of course, will I share it, of course I will, but not now.

Porcupine Tree - The Sound of Muzak

Hear the sound of music
Drifting in the aisles
Elevator prozac
Stretching on for miles

The music of the future
Will not entertain
It's only meant to repress
And neutralise your brain

Soul gets squeezed out
Edges get blunt
Demographic
Gives what you want

Now the sound of music
Comes in silver pills
Engineered to suit you
Building cheaper thrills

The music of rebellion
Makes you wanna rage
But it's made by millionaires
Who are nearly twice your age

One of the wonders of the world is going down
It's going down I know
It's one of the blunders of the world that no-one cares
No-one cares enough

Locked in Clutch

Every couple of years, I go back to the places of my childhood for a couple of days/weeks months etc. This allows the “positive vibes” resonate with my body strengthening the positive emotions and ensuring that I’m in harmony with my surroundings and all that jazz. Now if you believe that ? What I find interesting is that each time I arrive and meet the same people whom I’ve met over so many years – my faith in the human race is reinforced, I see what I have lost due to cynicism and how jaded I’ve become. Ah well – all for a greater good ?

I found out a couple of things over the past month, I have a fear of death, I am susceptible to the same emotions as every one else – and I am much more jaded and cynical than needed. Weirdly the fear of death was the most surprising of them all. There do indeed exist good people who do things for the betterment of others out of no apparent selfish motivation. This completely messes up my world view, sigh, I need to be in the “real world” more often, but giving up on “aura cleansing/vibration resonating” is not something I’m willing to do. Engineering Trade-off it’s called.

Amongst other things I’ve noticed while reading bad novels, I’ve realised that if you can read multiple series by the same author, their biases become obvious. At least it seems to work in retrospect as every one knows, hindsight is 20-20. George R. R. Martin seems to be one of the few without any obvious bias, so far. I’m still waiting for his song of ice and fire series to end, I hope it does get published though. I loved what he’s started, it’s epic, I just hope he finishes it.

As usual the lyrics have nothing to do with anything at all.

A Perfect Circle- "The Outsider"

Help me if you can

It's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired

So could you please,

Help me understand why

You've given in to all these

Reckless dark desires

You're lying to yourself again

Suicidal imbecile

Think about it, put it on the faultline

What'll it take to get it through to you precious

I'm over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this

Such a mess. Why would I want to watch you.

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time

What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, numb belligerence

Narcissistic, drama queen, craving fame and all its decadence

Lying through your teeth again

Suicidal imbecile

Think about it, put it on the fautline

What'll it take to get it through to you precious

Go with this, why do you wanna throw it away like this

Such a mess. Why would I wanna watch you...

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time

What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

They were right about you

They were right about you

Lying to my face again

Suicidal imbecile

Think about it put it on the fautline

What'll it take to get it through to you precious

I'm over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this

Such a mess, I'm over this, over this!

Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time

What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die

If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,

Do it somewhere far away from here

Numb and Strange

Have been doing research by remote control, don't like it too much. I'd much rather do it in person. I've been lazing around, I like that, and dislike that, at the same time. I'm scared of not being able to remain sharp enough, of slipping.

Any ways, I've submitted one paper yesterday, got one tomorrow.

Before I Forget: Slipknot

Go!

Stapled shut, inside an outside world and I'm
Sealed in tight, bizarre but right at home
Claustrophobic, closing in and I'm
Catastrophic, not again
I'm smeared across the page, and doused in gasoline
I wear you like a stain, yet I'm the one who's obscene
Catch me up on all your sordid little insurrections,
I've got no time to lose, and I'm just caught up in all the cattle

Fray the strings
Throw the shapes
Hold your breath
Listen!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

I'm ripped across the ditch, and settled in the dirt and I'm
I wear you like a stitch, yet I'm the one who's hurt
Pay attention to your twisted little indiscretions
I've got no right to win, I'm just caught up all the battles

Locked in clutch
Pushed in place
Hold your breath
Listen!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

My end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
The end of the road and my end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
THE END OF THE ROAD!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, OH!

Eons and infinity, are but a tomorrow away.

So I receive an email, it lies unread in my inbox, I lie sleeping in my room, late night, loads of work. I could say something along the lines of - is an email still received unless it's been read ? Or something more 'Zen', more 'wise' less like me, I won't, mostly cause I can't come up with someting 'wise'. More importantly it was at that time that I was woken up by a call on my cell. It was the professor whom I work for, he wanted to tell me a paper I'd written and presented was being invited for publication in a journal. The deadline ? - not enough for anything to actually be done, not enough could be added, that would make it worth a journal in my opinion.

The email is below -----


Dear Authors,

We are publishing extended versions of the highly rated papers presented at yyyy at the xxxx {a rather decent journal}

Since your following paper was among the top few accepted papers relevant to xxx, we would like to invite you to publish an extended version at xxx. Kindly let us know your decision. The submission is due {Some date is mentioned}.


Thanks again for your contribution to yyyy!



Program Co-Chairs, yyyy


-----------------

A day later I am told that the deadline is significantly later, I check, it's true we have enough time. I am now buzzing with excitement.

A random, completely unrelated song to celebrate this. Interestingly the paper if I've not already mentioned this - was my undergrad thesis, it resulted in an invite, yay me.

Dream Theater - New Millennium

A single star behind me
A red sky burns ahead
A lonely light below me
Awake among the dead
An overwhelming feeling
Leaves me numband strange
A sense of new beginning
I sense a wind of change

Out with the old useless
People so cold ruthless welcome
In a new millennium
How many times must i
Live out this nightmare i
Can't wait until a new millennium

I've got this feeling
The tide is turning now baby
Funny feeling everything's gonna be alright now

Living out a constant deja vu
Keep your head up
Please be patient we will get to you
Keep your head up
Just have some faith and you can see it
Through
Keep your head up
But faith don't pay the rent that's overdue
Keep your head up
All that's glittering is turning blue
Keep your head up
What they want from me ain't gotta clue
Keep your head up
Swallow pride before it swallows you
Keep your head up
Don't dare bite the hand that's starving you
Keep your head up

How can you keep your head
And not go insane when the only light at the end
Of the tunnel is another train

The lies ten feet tall
Have broken my fall
Welcome you all new millennium

It's well overdue and i can't wait to
Welcome in a new millennium
I've got this feeling
The tide is turning now baby
Funny feeling
Everything's gonna be alright now

Scar where all my urges bled

So, the advantage of being in academia ? Well, it ensures you've never forgotten what your nightmares were like, as a child. Don't you agree ? No ? Maybe you've just not gotten that kind of stress, that's fine. It's good. Fortunately for me, I have people I can share most of these things with, last week was not the best though in terms of nightmares, three in a week, or was it two. They are blurred, I only remember the feeling, multiple in a day does not bode well I guess.

Ah - well. C'est la vie, non ?

Muse: Butterflies And Hurricanes


change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights, battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

don't,
let yourself down
don't let yourself go
your last chance has arrived

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

Speak to me now and the world will crumble

Yes, I've been listening to Opeth a little too much. The point however is this, I shall do something that I do not often do, talk about an issue that has been bothering me of late. Yes, I shall talk about my opinions on a matter apart from my life, I shall do what "good" bloggers and writers do.

The issue of course, is how sporting events divide people amongst each other. Actually that was all that I had to say about it, I hate how that happens, so club sports end up irritating me a lot. That's about it.

On the other hand, I've found brilliant new music at long last. Tool is now complemented by Porcupine Tree, Opeth, Dream Theater and Rush. I'll post lyrics to one of their songs below.

Porcupine Tree: The Sound Of Muzak

Hear the sound of music
Drifting in the aisles
Elevator prozac
Stretching on for miles

The music of the future
Will not entertain
It's only meant to repress
And neutralise your brain

Soul gets squeezed out
Edges get blunt
Demographic
Gives what you want

Now the sound of music
Comes in silver pills
Engineered to suit you
Building cheaper thrills

The music of rebellion
Makes you wanna rage
But it's made by millionaires
Who are nearly twice your age

One of the wonders of the world is going down
It's going down I know
It's one of the blunders of the world that no-one cares
No-one cares enough

The queen of spades

Well, I guess this had to be done. I needed to make a decision, I have almost made one. I choose to be pragmatic and level headed I think. I've not completely made up my mind. I'll most probably be doing that though. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I do not have the risk taking thing. That they say you should have, oh I have it, but I seem to not do the whole following of the heart bit too well.

I also realised that I am to a large extent fickle and what I like now - I might not like two years down the line, and what I might like then I might never have heard of now.

The thing is, you most probably don't even know what I'm talking about, I've kept most of you in the dark, for a reason. I want there to be asymmetric flow of information, keeps some part of the dynamic in my hand. Some of you know the complete story, some who do don't visit this, that's alright, they get told more than you'd care to know.

Song time I guess, ps: the title, King of hearts would have left people with an interesting expectation. Hence the other card that popped into my head - the ace of spades- hence well you get the general idea. The King of hearts would be the title 'cause well the decision I need to make most probably will break my heart. I most probably have already subconsciously made it. Any ways, song time, I've been listening to Dream Theater a lot, of late so this is what dictates the choice, not related to the above post, as such.

Lost in the sky
Clouds roll by and I roll with them
Arrows fly
Seas increase and then fall again

This world is spinning around me
This world is spinning without me
Every day sends future to past
Every breath leaves one less to my last

Watch the sparrow falling
Gives new meaning to it all
If not today nor yet tomorrow then some other day

Ill take seven lives for one
And then my only fathers son
As sure as I ever did love him
I am not afraid

This world is spinning around me
The whole world keeps spinning around me
All life is future to past
Every breath leaves me one less to my last

Pull me under pull me under
Pull me under Im not afraid
All that I feel in honor and spite
All I can do is set it right

Dust fills my eyes
Clouds roll by and I roll with them
Centuries cry
Orders fly and I fall again

This world is spinning inside me
The whole world is spinning inside of me
Every day sends future to past
Every step brings me closer to my last

Pull me under pull me under
Pull me under Im not afraid
Living my life too much in in the sun
Only until your will is done