They were the best of times

Well no, they certainly were not, they were much closer to the worst of times to be more truthful. There was nothing extraordinary, nothing special. There were pangs of envy, there always are. You might have an image of how bad it is, do not worry, you're right, it is that bad. The reason I tell you to not worry, is not because you are letting your imagination run wild with implications and possibilities, it's because you're letting it run wild trying to gauge the effects of said implications et. al. on me and my reactions to them. They will be taken care of. I will have to, options of any other sort are not available to me. They exist mind you, I choose not to recognise them, to ignore them, the desporation borne of this should result in something. I've made the choice, let's see - this after all is the greatest of all experiments.

There will be days of sadness, followed by - satisfaction, yes there will be no joy. A slight sliver maybe, tempered with the knowledge that something better exists, leading ultimately to more dissatisfaction than you'd want. It's a price I pay, not willingly mind you, not gladly, but begrudgingly, because I feel I have no other option. I do not want to know about that other person, I know already, in my heart of hearts I know. There will be days of cleverness, of elegance, nothing over the top, nothing extreme, but they will help understand why it is that I do what I do. Why I want to do that. They will be few, randomly spaced, each successive one an oasis in a sea of doubt. The suffering that will be experienced - will be required, there is no guarantee it will help, none that others require it as well, but it will be required, it always is.

There was no reason for this post, it is vague at its best, purposely made so, if you don't understand what it's about - you're most probably not the target audience, if you did, think again, yes of course, you are right, but still - think again. I ask you to think, mostly because I seem to not want to, it is surprising but the effort to actually sit down and form coherent thoughts seems to leave me weak, gasping for air, like a cat on mars, hoping its last life still remains. Nevertheless these functions, writing, talking, they require no thought on my part, this sadly is the truth. The joy of intense thought has left, I feel unable to bear the process, the time it takes, the arduousness of it all. If all of this seems familiar to you, the feelings and the frustration. Then you have my pity, no one should feel this way, I know I feel like this but it is temporary, I'll find my joy soon enough, I hope you do as well. No, I did not mean sympathy.

The tone was different, have you seen grainy video ? The tone here would have suited a grainy video, the cinematic kind, not the one that was called cinematic cause there was no better camera available, but the pretentious kind. No I was not being pretentious. No, I do not in fact think I know what questions are running through your head, I answer the ones I'd assumed would come up.

No lyrics that reflect what I've said, I have nothing dark and morbid enough. They may exist, but I don't have them. Lyrics for an unrelated song follow nonetheless, Placebo.

"Sleeping with ghosts" - Placebo

The sea's evaporated
Though it comes as no surprise
These clouds we're seeing
They're explosions in the sky
It seems it's written
But we can't read between the line

Hush
It's okay
Dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Cause soulmates never die

This one world vision
Turns us in to compromise
What good's religion
When it's each other we despise
Damn the government
Damn their killing
Damn their lies

Hush
It's okay
Dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Cause soulmates never die

Soulmates never die
Never die
Soulmates never die
Never die...
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die